


Issei Owns Trump

by Composcreator



Category: Highschool DxD, Kamen Rider Wizard
Genre: Blackmail, Comedy, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-19 11:12:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8203870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Composcreator/pseuds/Composcreator
Summary: Cannon to my main fic Wizard DxD. After the debate on Septembeer 26, Issei decided to remind a certain American just what he could do.





	1. Chapter 1

**With the first 2016 debate between Trump and Clinton, I decided to do an omake. I was originally going to slip this in during later chapters as a joke. But best to strike while the iron is hot.**

**This takes place after Raiser gets his ass whooped. I made sure to not include anything that would give things away.**

**I apologize in advance for all the jokes**

**I do not own the Kamen Rider franchise or High School DXD.**

**Things such as chants and data on the magic rings were obtained through Kamen Rider wiki, High school DXD wiki, and English translations of High School DxD volumes 1-20. I do however claim ownership to original spell and transformation rings as well as original techniques.**

**Ignore the timeline. I honestly have no idea what year I should place the events of the series in anyway.**

**Also, this is cannon to my story. No questions asked.**

“Talking”

‘Thinking’

**Sacred Gear and WizarDriver/Handauthor sounds**

[Ddraig talking]

 

**Who’s really going to control America?**

It had been almost a month since Rias escaped being engaged to the atrocious pile of shit known as Riser Phenex. After much argument (by that I mean lots of arguing) between Rias and Issei, she had moved into the Hyoudou household. Of course she had to pay rent. She protested that she was the only one paying rent. Issei pointed out that Raynare and Kalawarner were his familiars and as such could be considered as his property so they did not need to pay rent. As for Asia, since Rias had made her move in she did not need to pay. But since Rias chose to live in his house when she could have her pick of any other place, she might as well pay rent.

Why does this matter now? Well the Old School Building was undergoing renovations so Rias asked Issei to allow the club to use his house to hold their meeting. After some negotiation he agreed. Which brings us to this lovely afternoon. Akeno brought her own tea, and Issei brought donuts. He even bought Red Velvet Donuts for Koneko, but only after the Freshman gave him the money for those in advance. Raynare and Kalawarner were there watching TV while the devils did their business. Also Sona, Tsubaki, and the rest of the Student Council was there for reasons Issei did not care.

Rias had just gone over the contract count for the last month. Asia had done surprisingly well for a newcomer and everyone else pretty much standard. Only Issei was lacking as he averaged 3 contracts a week. While Saji laughed and tried to boast about doing better than the rider, Issei did not give a fuck. Rias was in the middle of telling Issei to try harder and take his duty as a devil more seriously with Sona nodding in agreement when Raynare and Kalawarner started laughing.

When the students looked to the Fallen Angels, they merely pointed to the TV screen. It was on the News channel covering International events. Today’s topic, the latest American reality TV series sweeping the nation and gathering attention everywhere known as the 2016 election. In their recent episode Republican Donald Trump and Democrat Hillary Clinton went head to head in their first debate and boy were insults and jabs flying. They made professional boxing matches look like a game of skipping stones with all the attacks being thrown left and right mixed in with feints provoking the opposition and…….and I think I lost the metaphor there.

“Well,” Kiba chuckled. “That’s still going on. Can’t believe I forgot about it.”

“This is proving to be entertaining.” Sona said to Rias as the newscasters began talking specifically about the sections where Japan was mentioned and how the nation would be affected with either nominee becoming president. “I bet the devils there are having a field day with their contracts.” Fun fact, America was a hotspot for High class devils who wanted an easy time getting hundreds of contracts in a short amount of time. It was often reincarnated devils who had recently been promoted and received their Evil Pieces that could be found there, though there were plenty of noble birth who preferred the easy lazy life. Each state was said to have at least 3 high class devils holding territory there.

“But they would also be having lots of trouble I expect.” Rias countered with amusement in her voice. “They must be receiving more requests than they can handle with many of them opposing others resulting in conflict within and between peerages. What do you think Issei?” She turned to her Pawn curious as to his opinion since he actually travelled across America and supposedly did business there. She was surprised to see him scrolling through his phone looking for a number.

“Raynare.” He said to his first familiar, getting everyone’s attention. “Remember the box with all the stuff from America? Grab the one that reads ‘America stuff-2’ right next to it.” The smitten Fallen Angel had a brief look of confusion before her face lit up in realization and practically jumped up the stairs. “Make sure you don’t grab the one with my parents’ stuff!” he called up to her before she was out of sight. That was when he found the number he was looking for and dialed it with a smirk on his face. The volume was loud enough for everyone (except for Asia) in the room to hear the dial tone, informing them that he was making an international call. It rang for a couple of minutes, long enough for Raynare to come back down with a large cardboard box with the label Issei had asked for. She placed it on the living room table and opened it up allowing everyone to see the contents. Imagine their surprise to see piles of manila envelopes with different names on them, with some names being on more than one envelope. Just as Issei reached in and pulled out a stack of almost 10 stuffed envelopes, the call was picked up.

“What do you want, you damn Jap!” spoke an American voice, one that was very familiar and surprised everyone in the room.

“Hello to you too Donald Trump.” Issei said with a grin. He ignored the shocked expressions his classmates were giving him as he continued to speak. “And a good afternoon to you.”

“It’s 3 in the morning dumbass.” Was the curt response the wealthy business man gave, making Sona cringe. While what he said was true, there was no need for that tone or the insult.

“And yet you’re still up tweeting about Clinton and the debate.” Issei shot back calmly as he reclined on his couch, his back to the other devils.

“So what! I’m Donald Trump. I can do this kind of shit! That doesn’t mean you can call me and interrupt me when I’m busy with vital tweets that need to be posted!” Sweat drops fell as one of the richest men America went off about how tweeting was important.

“In that case, you should probably tweet how you bought a lot of porn from me a few months ago.” Only the Fallen were unaffected by this statement. Everyone else was left speechless. “And it wasn’t anything softcore either. You and your friends bought a lot of my darker stuff. Rape, gangbang, mind control, mind break, humiliation, male-dom, the list goes on and on. You pretty much bought all the dark material I had from both AV and Hentai.”

“If that hadn’t happened,” Issei went on, his grin growing as he crossed his legs, “I would never have gotten leverage over your lawyers and other associates who know your dirty secrets.” Issei now had one arm stretched out along the top of the couch giving him the image of a villain making a threatening phone call like you see in anime. Fitting. “From there I learned all sorts of dirty secrets.” Here he held up a large folder with 1995 written on it. “Like a copy of your Tax Returns. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, of all the legal stuff that is.” He had a grin so wide the Joker would have given it an 8 out of 10.

“With that said I just wanted to remind you of these facts.” Issei said calmly as he at a donut. “I mean, you wouldn’t want me to release these. Even if you do become president, one wrong move and these go public. Then an investigation will be launched and before you know it you’ve been impeached.” Rias and Sona had a mixture of feelings here. While they were scared, shocked, and amazed at what Issei had done, they felt he might be pushing things.

“Listen here you snot nosed punk!” Trump began. “As soon as this election is over I’m going to find you and destroy you!” Issei simply sipped his tea as Trump continued to rant, only barely listening. “When I’m done with you everyone will know your dad was a drug addict and your mom a whore!”

Big mistake Trump. The moment he spoke those words the look in Issei's eyes changed from one of mischievous amusement to pissed of dragon. The other devils swore they could hear a growl come from his left arm.

“I’d like to see you try.” Though there was no malice in Issei's voice, the way he spoke every world with crystal clear clarity made it obvious just how pissed he was. Apparently not obvious enough for mister crazy.

“Did not hear me or are you just too stupid to not understand! It’s not a matter of try! I fucking will do it!”

“So you believe the proper way to respond to veiled blackmail is to threaten someone.” Issei stated. “Ignoring the fact that I hold lots of information that could hurt you, I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong besides doing some extra snooping and digging this stuff up. I didn’t even ask for any extra money beyond what you paid for my old stuff. Hell, I could have charged you extra for that but I didn’t. I even turned down your attempts to buy off everything I collected with 3 million dollars.” Now everyone’s mouths had definitely hit the floor. 3 million dollars was over 300 million yen! And Issei turned that down!

“You’re a fucking idiot for not taking the money!”

“I think I’m smart for not accepting a bribe.” Issei shot back.

“Fuck you!”

“I think we’re done here.” Issei said pulling the phone away from his ear.

“Don’t you dare!”

“Bye bye Donald Duck.”

“It’s Donald Trump you…” The orange man never finished his words as Issei hit the end button. The other devils were amazed at this, but then the realized Issei was not done yet.

“And…” he was hitting buttons on his phone. “There we go. Another recorded phone call saved to the cloud.” They nearly fell out of their chairs. He was still collecting ammunition! What the hell!!

“Now.” The Ringed Rider growled. “I think my Duck needs a more permanent reminder of what I can do.” With that he took a piece of paper and wrote some names and numbers before handing it as well as the 1995 folder to Kalawarner. “Give this to the guys on the paper here. Make sure they understand that this can’t be traced back to Japan at all.”

“No problem Issei-sama.” The blue haired Fallen said with a smirk and small bow as she walked out the door, taking a donut with her.

“Sorry about that.” Issei said turning back to the house guests. “I figured it would be best to get that taken care of as soon as possible.” He said all this with an honest smile on his face.

It was at this moment that all the devils felt and urge to bow down to him, even the two heiresses. He did what no one would dare to do, while still human! And now he was actually making sure Trump stayed in line, though perhaps him now being a devil had something to do with that. Point is, with this alone, Issei surpassed all of them collectively when it came to contracts. There was no doubt that he would rise in the hierarchy of the Underworld quickly.

 

**Okay.**

**Like I said this was originally going to be part of a joke in later chapters. But hey, strike while the iron is hot. Don’t like it? Sue me.**

**Originally Trump would not have any actual dialogue. Issei would just say stuff over the phone with everyone eavesdropping on him.**

**Also, I started this the night of the debate itself while checking in on it every now and then on Youtube. Then the news about his Tax Returns being leaked came out and I figured I might as well go with the flow.**

**As for Issei's contacts, that will be revealed during the actual story itself. But let’s just say that the community of perverts is vast, with the perverted duo representing the worst of them**

**That’s it for now. Please Favorite, Follow, and Review. But most of all, thank you for reading!**


	2. Who wants more?

**So the next presidential debate is tomorrow.........who wants more  chapters of this?**


	3. Who leaked the tapes?

**So this was supposed to be a one shot but it got pretty popular. Why am I not surprised? I will say this, if Trump does become president, and he pushes to ban fanfiction on the net forever…I apologize in advance. Or as Alec Baldwin would say on SNL when he plays Trump, “apple-agize”**

**I would like to point out that this is a bit of a pre-debate chapter. I will start the next chapter while watching/listening to the debate on the web.**

**I apologize in advance for all the jokes**

**I do not own the Kamen Rider franchise or High School DXD.**

**Things such as chants and data on the magic rings were obtained through Kamen Rider wiki, High school DXD wiki, and English translations of High School DxD volumes 1-20. I do however claim ownership to original spell and transformation rings as well as original techniques.**

**Ignore the timeline. I honestly have no idea what year I should place the events of the series in anyway.**

**Also, this is cannon to my story. No questions asked.**

“Talking”

‘Thinking’

**Sacred Gear and WizarDriver/Handauthor sounds**

[Ddraig talking]

 

**Who released the tapes?**

It was Monday morning in Kuoh, Japan, and Issei was skipping class.

Okay that might be a bit inaccurate. Turns out the school was allowing students to watch the United States second presidential debate live. There would be subtitles and a translator.

“Well congratulations America.” Issei said as he and the rest of the devils at school were getting set up. They had their own room with a large screen TV. Since they were all devils, they did not have the same difficulties regarding language. Issei himself was on a couch with a plate of donuts and bottles of soda ready. “You managed to create a sitcom popular enough to be watched on the other side of the world.” He chuckled taking sip. Next to him were Asia on his left and Rias on his right. Raynare and Kalawarner were elsewhere ( **AN: I have yet to decide what they will do during their free time but I do have some idea** ).

“You know,” Rias began as she took a sip of her tea. “I have to ask, were you the one who leaked the tapes we’ve been hearing about?” This caused everyone in the room to look at the Rider with curiosity and fear in their eyes. Did her perhaps go further than he let on?”

“Nope.” Issei sighed. “I did some asking around. No one really knows yet, at least not from my circle of friends.”

“You mean circle of perverts.” Saji snickered, making Sona sigh in exasperation. Ever since the incident with the Chimera where Saji embarrassed himself and caused Sona to apologize to Issei for the damage he caused, he had been trying to make himself seem better than his fellow Pawn, or at least embarrass him. So far no real progress. “Besides, you said yourself that you sold the depraved porn to Trump, meaning it was originally yours and you must have enjoyed it.” Saji had a large grin on his face as if he had won. The members from his own peerage just shook their heads while Sona let out another sigh. She was about to voice an apology before Issei cut in calmly, unphased by the insults.

“First of all, the pervert community is very, very large.” He took a bite of a plain donut. “Probably why Japan has such a low birth rate.” He muttered before continuing out loud. “Matsuda and Motohama are pretty much the lowest kind, good at only being a pervert and would totally be fine with rape and stuff if they could get away with it.” It was not a surprise how he cut down his former friends, but still a bit unsettling. “I think not having me with them has actually made things worse.” The girls did agree that as a pervert, Issei did not support anything along the lines of sexual assault. Heck, there was one time before he disappeared that he thought women should probably rule the world. Then again he did say men have a hard time to say no to them so it’s basically a matter of context.

“As for my other friends, I’ll have you know they are all functioning perfectly fine.” Here Issei had a disapproving tone as he defended his other friends. “Sure some work from home, but none of them are NEETs and all of them make good money doing what they do.” Then Issei grinned. “Plus the skills they use for their perversion actually help me and Detective Tachibana out when we need info fast.”

“As for the merchandise.” Issei did chuckle in an embarrassed manner. “Some of them were mine originally, mainly because there were big tits.”

‘At least he’s honest.’ All the girls (bar pure innocent Asia of course) thought with some slight drops of sweat.

“However,” Issei held up his hand, “All the darker stuff was definitely stuff that the Perverted Duo left at my place.” He smirked and continued. “Since they never took it back I figured there was no need to return it.”

No one in the room could say anything. There was nothing they could say to counter his words as they were all the truth and he never did anything wrong. Plus they could not deny the results his friends gave, especially when the news about the leaked Tax Returns reached their ears and Issei responded by calling someone and offered to treat them to a nice sushi place. Saji was steaming at from the ears as he realized that once again, he was seen as the fool.

“Looks like it’s almost time.” Issei grinned getting everyone’s attention. They all took their seats and got their snakes together. Time for the next episode of the Debate Arc.

 

**Okay.**

**Not much but I typed this mainly to get it out of my system. Fun fact, I started typing this today at around 2 PM. It is now 5:30 PM. This took 3 and a half hours. And you all wonder why my longer stories take over a month.**

**Yes, I have alluded to events that have not yet happened in my main story. Want more then go read that one and follow it.**

**Again, this is a little banter for before the debate. The post-debate chapter will take at least a week. Honestly it all depends on the material I get. You know how it is.**

**That’s it for now. Please Favorite, Follow, and Review. But most of all, thank you for reading!**


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